One of the most challenging aspects of divorce is co-parenting. Even those clients who seem to have successfully co-parented during their marriage and enter into the divorce process intending to practice co-parenting with intention and grace struggle because the dynamic between them naturally shifts with divorce. The personal, intimate relationship is breaking down, they are leading or entering into separate lives and they are no longer confined to the boundaries and assumption of roles that existed in their marriage.
That said, learning how to be a great co-parent is possible. The most successful co-parents can compartmentalize their individual, intimate relationship breakdown and effectively communicate with each other. Take for example comedian and actor Ali Wong, who made headlines when she spoke about the way she successfully co-parents with her former husband. Wong says she and her ex have fostered a cordial dynamic post-divorce for the sake of their children, and she credits him for helping with their children when she’s on tour. That said, there is no one-size-fits-all approach to becoming successful co-parents because the circumstances of each divorce are different. That’s why Wong goes on to say, “Divorces are like snowflakes. There’s truly no two alike.” However, understanding common challenges co-parents face and the resources available to you will help put you on the path to co-parenting successfully.
Because co-parenting during and after divorce is so nuanced, our team at Berger Schatz chose to make it the inaugural topic for our Education Empower Roundtable series. These events are designed to enlighten and educate participants on a variety of topics related to navigating life’s challenges. Our first panel discussion on November 14 will feature insights from successful co-parents Zach and Missy Abraham, author Ariel Stern who wrote “Everything Is Going to Be OK!” as a child when her parents were getting a divorce, as well as The Honorable Michele Lowrance, a retired Cook County Domestic Relations Judge and author of “The Good Karma Divorce.” Before then, here are some of their thoughts and mine on how to thrive as co-parents.
Understanding and Overcoming Common Co-Parenting Challenges
One of the biggest hurdles you are going to face as a co-parent is learning how to manage your kids’ schedules. Extracurricular activities are by far the biggest source of conflict: enrollment, payment, scheduling, attendance of parents and extended family, attendance of significant others, carpools, travel, etc. In many marriages, each parent assumes roles – with one parent “managing” the administrative side of kids’ extra-curricular activities more than the other. Often, once the divorce process starts, the other parent suddenly wants to become more involved and exert more control. All at once, kids are overscheduled because now parents feel the overlay of activities on his or her individual parenting time. Balancing these responsibilities and learning how to communicate with your ex-spouse in this context will save you a lot of headaches and fights.
Zach and Missy Abraham credit open communication and flexibility with helping them manage their kids’ busy lives as co-parents. They’ve identified who is responsible for what and stay in touch about any changes that arise. “Communication is a day-to-day, moment-to-moment thing,” Zach said. “A kid could get sick or practice could get rained out. If there is good communication, both parties can zigzag and make adjustments.”
It’s important to note that getting to this positive co-parenting point didn’t happen overnight for Zach and Missy. They’ve been divorced for more than four years, and it’s taken time to get into this rhythm. However, they’re both committed to prioritizing their children’s well-being. “Just because my marriage doesn’t work out, it doesn’t mean my family can’t work out,” Missy said. “My kids are always going to come first.”
Studies show children thrive socially and emotionally when they see their parents working together after divorce. In fact, healthy co-parenting can help children feel safe, stable and loved. Too often, many couples are not aligned on goals and responsibilities, causing resentment and making the divorce process even more difficult for everyone involved. Realize you are never going to change your ex-partner, and there is a reason you are getting divorced. Instead, focus on how you two can build the healthiest environment for your kids and establish a collaborative approach.
Ariel Stern agrees co-parents can set their kids up for success by creating structure and ensuring their kids’ needs are met. “My parents made a conscious effort, so I knew I was getting picked up or if my routine changed,” Ariel said. “They worked out the structure to make sure my needs were taken care of. I never had to worry about that changing. That allowed me to focus on enjoying quality time with them.” Stern says parents should also reassure kids about the goal of co-parenting. “Let your kids know you are going to do your best not to make it something negative, but that you’ll work hard to make things as amazing and fun for them as possible.”
Getting Help
Divorce is hard on everyone, which is why you shouldn’t overlook its impact on your kids. Unfortunately, parents frequently dismiss how their negative behavior will affect their children. The Honorable Michele Lowrance (Ret.) writes in her book, “Operating under the illusion that love conquers all, most parents overwhelmingly believe that whatever behavior they engage in during their divorce, their children will get over it in the long run.” She goes on to talk about why that’s not the case and how kids often blame themselves for their parents’ issues and carry these negative feelings into their own future relationships. Lowrance adds, “When asked, most parents emphatically say that they live to protect their children. Their belief is profoundly felt, but often inconsistent with their behavior.” That’s why getting help is crucial.
Under the right circumstances and with eager and willing parents, I often recommend co-parenting coaching to my clients. This will help you and your ex-spouse navigate the world of parenting together in divorce, all the way down to handling allowance, chores and contribution to household rules. Kids crave structure and boundaries, and it’s on both parents to create that.
I also advise people to seek out a “reality-based” attorney who understands the importance of balancing power dynamics while understanding you and your ex-spouse are two different people. You don’t necessarily need someone representing you who has kids; rather, focus on working with someone who respects you, fights for what you believe in, ensures that what you’re arguing is not simply coming from anger and resentment, but also works with you on practicalities and reasonable outcomes. Plus, you should look for a lawyer who can create a team for you to manage the difficulties of divorce. This can include, but is not limited to, therapists, a co-parent coach, a good mediator and a guardian ad litem (GAL).
Moving Forward
While the courts can only encourage you to do so much, you need to buy into the process. Remember, you can’t change the other person. That’s why learning how to communicate as co-parents is so critical.
As the saying goes, we don’t get to choose our parents. Parents often do the best they can, and you become who you are because of that. That’s why you need to work with your ex to create the best dynamic for your kids. Even though you’re living in a world that now involves two households with two people leading different lives, successful co-parenting can be a rewarding relationship that benefits everyone involved.